Bucky/Had a great past

[imperfectsoldier]

He can't say he's entirely 'used to' Bucky being in his apartment. He can say that after the amount of time he had without Bucky, both while Hydra had Bucky and then the blip, it's surprisingly easy to have had him here, since his return.

Eating together - even standing up in the kitchen over reheated pizza or similar, most of the time - sharing the clean up duties and space, taking turns in the bathroom is all pretty damn easy. It's familiar, and it's become routine.

Routine doesn't diverge immediately, even down to Steve tossing Bucky a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt for Bucky to sleep in, after he's brushed his teeth and changed into his own. He has way more stuff, for very obvious reasons.

It diverges after that, at the point they'd be separating for Steve to go into the bedroom to sleep (or try to sketch or stare at the ceiling or -) and Bucky left on the couch.

He waits on Bucky to come back out to ask - "You coming?" To bed.

Is that still a thing they are doing, and how the fuck is this going to go?

[ from here]

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[imperfectsoldier]

Steve's dreams (and nightmares) are a jumbled up mess of memories and worst case scenario fears and points tangled together.

The battlefields of Europe; the last fight with Thanos. Tony dying; Peggy's funeral; his mother dying; Bucky falling. Bucky's face on the carrier at the end, followed by that Bucky saying he loved Steve and then shooting him again as they fell. The sensation of falling into the Deleware transmuting to the dark-cold-pressure-pain of freezing in the Arctic.

There is no reason or sense or chronological order - just cut scenes or one bleeding into the next.

He never makes a sound and he never really moves.

He does, however wake pretty quickly when Bucky starts to move. There's a very soft, subtle gasp when his eyes open, and then - "Hey. Buck. Wake up." He tightens his arm just slightly.

[hadagreatpast]

In his dream, Bucky could feel the belt tightening as they strapped him to the table again, so he fought against it, shoving at the strap as he pushed away. It wasn't until he felt the real smack if his head against the headboard that his eyes snapped open, full of fear for a second.

Then he realized it was Steve's arm he had been pushing away, and he hit his head because he had been pulling away from Steve.

"Fuck," he groaned, reaching a hand up to run it down his face as he sat up. He was still breathing hard and his heart was pounding. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Steve."

It wasn't his worst reaction when waking up, but it definitely wasn't his best, either.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve realizing that Bucky's pulling away and letting go somewhat abruptly probably does not help to lessen the impact of Bucky hitting his head.

"What the hell are you apologizing to me for? Are you all right?"

Awake, alert, steady as hell.

Minus concern because he heard (and saw) Bucky hit his head.

[hadagreatpast]

"Didn't exactly mean to wake you up," he sighed, slouching back against that offending headboard.

"I'm fine. Didn't hit it hard or anything." It was just hard enough to wake him up, really. He'd had worse. A lot worse.

But, frowning, he gestured towards the door. "I can go back in there if you want."

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve has been pretty much putting on a Captain America mask to prevent steady and fully awake. That gives away to even more overt confusion.

"...You could go back to the couch because... you woke me up?" A pause. "Am I reading that offer correctly?"

He needs to check before he says anything else.

[hadagreatpast]

"I'm probably going to wake you up a lot," he said with a shrug, not even opening his eyes. "At least all I did was try to shove at you. I've done worse before."

Maybe not to a bed partner, since he hadn't had any of those. But to doctors when he was in Wakanda, before he was deemed well enough to live on his own. To furniture. To walls. That sort of thing.

"At least it started good." Bucky had been genuinely relaxed as he fell asleep, and the first half of his dream was actually good for once. And then it changed into a nightmare.

[imperfectsoldier]

There's some stuff to unpack there, and Steve legitimately isn't sure where to start with it. It actually takes him a second, and for a guy who gives speeches on the fly while being hunted, that's saying something.

In part what it's saying is that it's after midnight, he's in his bed, and he's trying to talk to the guy he's loved for a really long time, who is also in his bed.

"I'm probably not going to wake you up often. That isn't because I'm sleeping well or wouldn't actually appreciate being woken up." That's... He'd like to explain more, but doesn't know how. "I almost always would." And then: "You literally can't hurt me in any real way, or that will last more than thirty seconds - and odds are the more we do this, the less risk of even that there is."

[hadagreatpast]

Bucky opened his eyes to watch Steve as he talked, biting at the inside of his lip as he listened. And he thought over the pros and cons.

The pros seemed to outnumber the cons. And if Steve really didn't mind...

"Alright, yeah. I'll stay in here with you," he finally said with a nod. Bucky slid back down on the bed so his head was properly on the pillow again, all the while keeping his eyes on Steve. "It was... it was good before the nightmare part started, you know. Really good." There wasn't anyone else that Bucky would even feel safe enough around to sleep beside them, let alone think it was nice.

[imperfectsoldier]

"Good, because I wasn't interested in an argument or sleeping on my living room floor." He's stubborn. He'd never claim otherwise, and he's got his heels dug in on this one.

In part because he still has guilt and a feeling of responsibility for Bucky, in part because he wants Bucky there, and in part because he has his own issues - which include a strange variety of survivor's guilt.

"So let's get back to the good parts. Including the pre-nightmare sleep, I assume?" He lays back down, rolled over onto his side again.

[hadagreatpast]

"Yeah, let's try to get back to sleep." It really had been good before the dream turned into a nightmare. Warm and comforting, in a way that Bucky was in no way used to.

And with Steve facing him like that, Bucky only hesitated for a moment before he decided to try something else. He took Steve's hand--the one that had been draped over him while he slept before--and rolled over so his back was to Steve, pulling the arm over his middle again as he rolled. Not only did having his back to Steve leave him in a somewhat more vulnerable position, but it also let the two of them fit together on Steve's bed better.

I absolutely fell into a black hole - sorry!

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve let Bucky get himself settled in whatever position worked for Bucky, including the 'manhandling', then got his knees tucked behind Bucky's and his nose down in Bucky's hair. Once he was there? He sighed, settled, and relaxed.

"We're gonna be okay." Eventually, and/or for long enough to get enough sleep for super serum to get them back to functional, at least.

it happens to everyone sometimes! 🥰

[hadagreatpast]

Bucky was still a bit tense, but with Steve tucked up against him and partly wrapped around him, Bucky could feel some of the tension easing away. Slowly, but still faster than usual after one of his nightmares.

"I hope so," he said, voice quiet as he stared towards the bedside table he was facing. He wasn't focusing on it or anything, his eyes just hadn't closed yet. Bucky hadn't exactly been okay in a long time, but at least he was working on it.

Either way, he and Steve had always managed to pull through things before, even if sometimes it took a little while. Bucky was sure they'd at least be okay as a... couple.