Bucky/Had a great past

[imperfectsoldier]

He can't say he's entirely 'used to' Bucky being in his apartment. He can say that after the amount of time he had without Bucky, both while Hydra had Bucky and then the blip, it's surprisingly easy to have had him here, since his return.

Eating together - even standing up in the kitchen over reheated pizza or similar, most of the time - sharing the clean up duties and space, taking turns in the bathroom is all pretty damn easy. It's familiar, and it's become routine.

Routine doesn't diverge immediately, even down to Steve tossing Bucky a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt for Bucky to sleep in, after he's brushed his teeth and changed into his own. He has way more stuff, for very obvious reasons.

It diverges after that, at the point they'd be separating for Steve to go into the bedroom to sleep (or try to sketch or stare at the ceiling or -) and Bucky left on the couch.

He waits on Bucky to come back out to ask - "You coming?" To bed.

Is that still a thing they are doing, and how the fuck is this going to go?

[ from here]

Comments

[imperfectsoldier]

"I am absolutely going to roll over and whack my head on your arm. I am also probably going to get my hair caught in it, somehow, even if I shouldn't be able to."

He's absolutely not going to be letting go of the image of being The Stable One who has his shit together easily, and definitely not for This.

"Good news - once I've done it about twice I'll stop doing it. Just switch sides with me."

[hadagreatpast]

"Hey, it's your head injury." Bucky couldn't help the way he rolled his eyes at that, then stood up and walked back around to the other side of the bed. "Better?" he asked simply as he sat down again. "Or is this not the right spot either?"

Okay, maybe he was being a bit of a little shit with that remark, but Bucky didn't really care. He'd just been trying to look out for Steve by taking the left side.

Plus, while his left arm could pick up on things like touch and pressure, it couldn't feel things like warmth.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve would ask how hard Bucky thinks he's going to toss and turn, but he doesn't want that answer - mostly because it's probably accurate. He snorts and climbs into the bed and stretches out on his side, facing Bucky and one arm folded under his pillow (and head), hovers the other right above Bucky's chest before letting it slowly settle.

"I think this is fine - and I'm gonna pretend what you said is you don't think I'm particularly hard headed." Which is bullshit, and has absolutely no heat behind it.

...and if Bucky wants to touch him with a hand that can feel he can still roll over. Steve just. Look, he's trying to work out some shit. It's not necessarily the right way and he sure should explain himself, but effort's there.

[hadagreatpast]

Bucky grinned at the touch before he pulled the blanket over himself. He wasn't sure how much Steve needed blankets, so he decided the other man could figure himself out on that front. But Bucky tended to seek out warmth, and he suspected sharing a bed with his best friend was going to be very warm.

Once he was covered, he brought his good hand up to hold onto Steve's gently, then rolled onto his side so they were facing each other, that hand clasped between them. "Hey, if I do something stupid in my sleep just shove me away or something," he said, eyes locked on Steve's as he spoke.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve likes warmth, doesn't like cold and doesn't like confinement. Which elements of that win vary some, but it's usually in favor of using the blanket. He's definitely not staying on top of it with Bucky under it.

His hand is also warm and his grip is solid enough to show he's actively participating in the touch, but still pretty light. Absent mindedly goes to sliding his thumb along Bucky's wrist.

"Which kind of stupid are you worried about?"

[hadagreatpast]

"Nightmares, mostly," he said with a sigh, pulling his own metal arm up under his pillow. He was used to laying on it, at least.

But at least he enjoyed having Steve's hand in his, and the way that thumb was rubbing over his wrist was on the soothing side.

"I've been known to come up swingin' sometimes. So if any of that starts and you can't wake me up quick, just shove me onto the floor or something."

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve manages to keep his mouth shut around an entirely too light remark about how historically his best bet if he can't 'wake Bucky up' is to play dead. Different situation, asleep is wholly different, he does not want to bring that memory into his bed right now, and he has some sense.

"I will." And with luck won't throw Bucky into a wall.

He's pretty confident he can mange that.

Probably.

Confident enough.

...it's a good thing they heal.

"Try to get some sleep. It's been a long..." Life? "couple of weeks."

[hadagreatpast]

"No promises, but I'll try," Bucky told him with a weak chuckle, but he was still grinning slightly. He really did want to get some sleep. Good sleep would be ideal, but he was pretty sure he couldn't remember he got genuinely good sleep. Maybe once or twice in Wakanda, but even then he wasn't sure. It couldn't have been often.

Either way, Bucky settled against his pillow a bit more comfortably, still holding onto Steve's hand. Exhaustion was written all over his face, but at least that was normal for him.

"I love you," he said quietly, just wanting to get it out there one more time. Bucky wasn't sure why he felt the need, maybe part of him worried that something would happen in the night, or that the evening would turn out to be a rare, good dream.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve has likely had solid sleep more recently than Bucky, but it still hasn't been since The Snap and it wasn't that consistent before then. It's fine and he's fine.

...He is really, really tired and not just from lack of sleep.

Steve frees his hand from Bucky's, but only to brush his thumb across Bucky's cheekbone, smile a bit and then drop his arm over Bucky's waist. "I love you, too."

This? No matter what level of exhausted they are, or anything else, is wholly good.

He's still asleep within seconds of his eyes closing. Not dozing or drowsing but asleep.

[hadagreatpast]

It took Bucky a little while longer to fall asleep, but at least he was comfortable in Steve's arm while he got there. But he did get there eventually.

And at first it was good. Dreams of being with Steve. Being able to kiss him and touch him. But eventually those touches and hugs turned into headlocks and hits, the dream shifting into memories of hurting his best friend, even if he didn't understand why he kept feeling a pull towards the stranger on the bridge.

That good dream had turned into one of his many, many nightmares, and in the real world he was starting to toss and turn in his sleep, clearly distressed.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve's dreams (and nightmares) are a jumbled up mess of memories and worst case scenario fears and points tangled together.

The battlefields of Europe; the last fight with Thanos. Tony dying; Peggy's funeral; his mother dying; Bucky falling. Bucky's face on the carrier at the end, followed by that Bucky saying he loved Steve and then shooting him again as they fell. The sensation of falling into the Deleware transmuting to the dark-cold-pressure-pain of freezing in the Arctic.

There is no reason or sense or chronological order - just cut scenes or one bleeding into the next.

He never makes a sound and he never really moves.

He does, however wake pretty quickly when Bucky starts to move. There's a very soft, subtle gasp when his eyes open, and then - "Hey. Buck. Wake up." He tightens his arm just slightly.

[hadagreatpast]

In his dream, Bucky could feel the belt tightening as they strapped him to the table again, so he fought against it, shoving at the strap as he pushed away. It wasn't until he felt the real smack if his head against the headboard that his eyes snapped open, full of fear for a second.

Then he realized it was Steve's arm he had been pushing away, and he hit his head because he had been pulling away from Steve.

"Fuck," he groaned, reaching a hand up to run it down his face as he sat up. He was still breathing hard and his heart was pounding. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Steve."

It wasn't his worst reaction when waking up, but it definitely wasn't his best, either.

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve realizing that Bucky's pulling away and letting go somewhat abruptly probably does not help to lessen the impact of Bucky hitting his head.

"What the hell are you apologizing to me for? Are you all right?"

Awake, alert, steady as hell.

Minus concern because he heard (and saw) Bucky hit his head.

[hadagreatpast]

"Didn't exactly mean to wake you up," he sighed, slouching back against that offending headboard.

"I'm fine. Didn't hit it hard or anything." It was just hard enough to wake him up, really. He'd had worse. A lot worse.

But, frowning, he gestured towards the door. "I can go back in there if you want."

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve has been pretty much putting on a Captain America mask to prevent steady and fully awake. That gives away to even more overt confusion.

"...You could go back to the couch because... you woke me up?" A pause. "Am I reading that offer correctly?"

He needs to check before he says anything else.

[hadagreatpast]

"I'm probably going to wake you up a lot," he said with a shrug, not even opening his eyes. "At least all I did was try to shove at you. I've done worse before."

Maybe not to a bed partner, since he hadn't had any of those. But to doctors when he was in Wakanda, before he was deemed well enough to live on his own. To furniture. To walls. That sort of thing.

"At least it started good." Bucky had been genuinely relaxed as he fell asleep, and the first half of his dream was actually good for once. And then it changed into a nightmare.

[imperfectsoldier]

There's some stuff to unpack there, and Steve legitimately isn't sure where to start with it. It actually takes him a second, and for a guy who gives speeches on the fly while being hunted, that's saying something.

In part what it's saying is that it's after midnight, he's in his bed, and he's trying to talk to the guy he's loved for a really long time, who is also in his bed.

"I'm probably not going to wake you up often. That isn't because I'm sleeping well or wouldn't actually appreciate being woken up." That's... He'd like to explain more, but doesn't know how. "I almost always would." And then: "You literally can't hurt me in any real way, or that will last more than thirty seconds - and odds are the more we do this, the less risk of even that there is."

[hadagreatpast]

Bucky opened his eyes to watch Steve as he talked, biting at the inside of his lip as he listened. And he thought over the pros and cons.

The pros seemed to outnumber the cons. And if Steve really didn't mind...

"Alright, yeah. I'll stay in here with you," he finally said with a nod. Bucky slid back down on the bed so his head was properly on the pillow again, all the while keeping his eyes on Steve. "It was... it was good before the nightmare part started, you know. Really good." There wasn't anyone else that Bucky would even feel safe enough around to sleep beside them, let alone think it was nice.

[imperfectsoldier]

"Good, because I wasn't interested in an argument or sleeping on my living room floor." He's stubborn. He'd never claim otherwise, and he's got his heels dug in on this one.

In part because he still has guilt and a feeling of responsibility for Bucky, in part because he wants Bucky there, and in part because he has his own issues - which include a strange variety of survivor's guilt.

"So let's get back to the good parts. Including the pre-nightmare sleep, I assume?" He lays back down, rolled over onto his side again.

[hadagreatpast]

"Yeah, let's try to get back to sleep." It really had been good before the dream turned into a nightmare. Warm and comforting, in a way that Bucky was in no way used to.

And with Steve facing him like that, Bucky only hesitated for a moment before he decided to try something else. He took Steve's hand--the one that had been draped over him while he slept before--and rolled over so his back was to Steve, pulling the arm over his middle again as he rolled. Not only did having his back to Steve leave him in a somewhat more vulnerable position, but it also let the two of them fit together on Steve's bed better.

I absolutely fell into a black hole - sorry!

[imperfectsoldier]

Steve let Bucky get himself settled in whatever position worked for Bucky, including the 'manhandling', then got his knees tucked behind Bucky's and his nose down in Bucky's hair. Once he was there? He sighed, settled, and relaxed.

"We're gonna be okay." Eventually, and/or for long enough to get enough sleep for super serum to get them back to functional, at least.

it happens to everyone sometimes! 🥰

[hadagreatpast]

Bucky was still a bit tense, but with Steve tucked up against him and partly wrapped around him, Bucky could feel some of the tension easing away. Slowly, but still faster than usual after one of his nightmares.

"I hope so," he said, voice quiet as he stared towards the bedside table he was facing. He wasn't focusing on it or anything, his eyes just hadn't closed yet. Bucky hadn't exactly been okay in a long time, but at least he was working on it.

Either way, he and Steve had always managed to pull through things before, even if sometimes it took a little while. Bucky was sure they'd at least be okay as a... couple.