esotericness | Bucky/Had a great past

Even though Bucky had been on his own before the blip for a long time, things with Steve were... comfortable. It wasn't perfect or anything--Bucky was pretty sure nothing would ever be perfect for him, what with all his nightmares and trauma responses, and just general poor moods--but it was comfortable. And even though Bucky thought it was more than he deserved, he wasn't about to push it away. Not when he finally had a chance.

At Steve's question, Bucky hesitated for just a moment before nodding. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm coming," he said with a nod. He hoped he didn't look too nervous as he followed Steve into his bedroom, then instinctually moved around to the left side of the bed, so it would be his natural arm beside Steve, not a big chunk of metal.

Besides, it wasn't like they'd never shared a bed before. But in the past it had always been because Steve was sick or they were just seeking some additional warmth.

On one hand (pun unintended) Steve gets what Bucky is doing, and why.

He doesn't believe he has any right to, or reason for, being uncomfortable with it (but is, at least a little. For what it reminds him of, mostly, from his failure to save Bucky onward.) Bucky has plenty of reason to be.

He truly doesn't think that's going to help either of them. He doesn't want this becoming an avoided topic or habit. He wouldn't even if they weren't getting into the same bed. It's part of Bucky. Full stop.

He turns off the overhead light, but leaves the lamp on the nightstand on. "I'm absolutely not going to let this become a thing. So. Do you want that side of the bed and rolled to face me so I can get to your arm, or to switch sides?"

Bucky absolutely can not hide the confusion on his face when Steve asked that. "What are you talking about? What thing?" he asked as he took a seat on the edge of the bed, but angled so he was still facing Steve. "I just didn't want you to roll over and smack your head on my shoulder or something. It sucks."

There'd been plenty of times that Bucky had woken up not from a nightmare (plenty of those, too, but that wasn't the point), but from thumping his forehead a bit too hard on his own forearm when he was tossing and turning. Thankfully, he healed quickly; otherwise, he'd keep having to explain to people that no, he didn't get in another fight. He just accidentally hit himself in the head. Again.

"I am absolutely going to roll over and whack my head on your arm. I am also probably going to get my hair caught in it, somehow, even if I shouldn't be able to."

He's absolutely not going to be letting go of the image of being The Stable One who has his shit together easily, and definitely not for This.

"Good news - once I've done it about twice I'll stop doing it. Just switch sides with me."

"Hey, it's your head injury." Bucky couldn't help the way he rolled his eyes at that, then stood up and walked back around to the other side of the bed. "Better?" he asked simply as he sat down again. "Or is this not the right spot either?"

Okay, maybe he was being a bit of a little shit with that remark, but Bucky didn't really care. He'd just been trying to look out for Steve by taking the left side.

Plus, while his left arm could pick up on things like touch and pressure, it couldn't feel things like warmth.

Steve would ask how hard Bucky thinks he's going to toss and turn, but he doesn't want that answer - mostly because it's probably accurate. He snorts and climbs into the bed and stretches out on his side, facing Bucky and one arm folded under his pillow (and head), hovers the other right above Bucky's chest before letting it slowly settle.

"I think this is fine - and I'm gonna pretend what you said is you don't think I'm particularly hard headed." Which is bullshit, and has absolutely no heat behind it.

...and if Bucky wants to touch him with a hand that can feel he can still roll over. Steve just. Look, he's trying to work out some shit. It's not necessarily the right way and he sure should explain himself, but effort's there.

Bucky grinned at the touch before he pulled the blanket over himself. He wasn't sure how much Steve needed blankets, so he decided the other man could figure himself out on that front. But Bucky tended to seek out warmth, and he suspected sharing a bed with his best friend was going to be very warm.

Once he was covered, he brought his good hand up to hold onto Steve's gently, then rolled onto his side so they were facing each other, that hand clasped between them. "Hey, if I do something stupid in my sleep just shove me away or something," he said, eyes locked on Steve's as he spoke.

Steve likes warmth, doesn't like cold and doesn't like confinement. Which elements of that win vary some, but it's usually in favor of using the blanket. He's definitely not staying on top of it with Bucky under it.

His hand is also warm and his grip is solid enough to show he's actively participating in the touch, but still pretty light. Absent mindedly goes to sliding his thumb along Bucky's wrist.

"Which kind of stupid are you worried about?"

Edited 2026-01-03 19:36 (UTC)

"Nightmares, mostly," he said with a sigh, pulling his own metal arm up under his pillow. He was used to laying on it, at least.

But at least he enjoyed having Steve's hand in his, and the way that thumb was rubbing over his wrist was on the soothing side.

"I've been known to come up swingin' sometimes. So if any of that starts and you can't wake me up quick, just shove me onto the floor or something."

Steve manages to keep his mouth shut around an entirely too light remark about how historically his best bet if he can't 'wake Bucky up' is to play dead. Different situation, asleep is wholly different, he does not want to bring that memory into his bed right now, and he has some sense.

"I will." And with luck won't throw Bucky into a wall.

He's pretty confident he can mange that.

Probably.

Confident enough.

...it's a good thing they heal.

"Try to get some sleep. It's been a long..." Life? "couple of weeks."

"No promises, but I'll try," Bucky told him with a weak chuckle, but he was still grinning slightly. He really did want to get some sleep. Good sleep would be ideal, but he was pretty sure he couldn't remember he got genuinely good sleep. Maybe once or twice in Wakanda, but even then he wasn't sure. It couldn't have been often.

Either way, Bucky settled against his pillow a bit more comfortably, still holding onto Steve's hand. Exhaustion was written all over his face, but at least that was normal for him.

"I love you," he said quietly, just wanting to get it out there one more time. Bucky wasn't sure why he felt the need, maybe part of him worried that something would happen in the night, or that the evening would turn out to be a rare, good dream.

Steve has likely had solid sleep more recently than Bucky, but it still hasn't been since The Snap and it wasn't that consistent before then. It's fine and he's fine.

...He is really, really tired and not just from lack of sleep.

Steve frees his hand from Bucky's, but only to brush his thumb across Bucky's cheekbone, smile a bit and then drop his arm over Bucky's waist. "I love you, too."

This? No matter what level of exhausted they are, or anything else, is wholly good.

He's still asleep within seconds of his eyes closing. Not dozing or drowsing but asleep.

Edited 2026-01-03 22:50 (UTC)

It took Bucky a little while longer to fall asleep, but at least he was comfortable in Steve's arm while he got there. But he did get there eventually.

And at first it was good. Dreams of being with Steve. Being able to kiss him and touch him. But eventually those touches and hugs turned into headlocks and hits, the dream shifting into memories of hurting his best friend, even if he didn't understand why he kept feeling a pull towards the stranger on the bridge.

That good dream had turned into one of his many, many nightmares, and in the real world he was starting to toss and turn in his sleep, clearly distressed.

Steve's dreams (and nightmares) are a jumbled up mess of memories and worst case scenario fears and points tangled together.

The battlefields of Europe; the last fight with Thanos. Tony dying; Peggy's funeral; his mother dying; Bucky falling. Bucky's face on the carrier at the end, followed by that Bucky saying he loved Steve and then shooting him again as they fell. The sensation of falling into the Deleware transmuting to the dark-cold-pressure-pain of freezing in the Arctic.

There is no reason or sense or chronological order - just cut scenes or one bleeding into the next.

He never makes a sound and he never really moves.

He does, however wake pretty quickly when Bucky starts to move. There's a very soft, subtle gasp when his eyes open, and then - "Hey. Buck. Wake up." He tightens his arm just slightly.

Edited (grammar) 2026-01-03 23:32 (UTC)

In his dream, Bucky could feel the belt tightening as they strapped him to the table again, so he fought against it, shoving at the strap as he pushed away. It wasn't until he felt the real smack if his head against the headboard that his eyes snapped open, full of fear for a second.

Then he realized it was Steve's arm he had been pushing away, and he hit his head because he had been pulling away from Steve.

"Fuck," he groaned, reaching a hand up to run it down his face as he sat up. He was still breathing hard and his heart was pounding. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Steve."

It wasn't his worst reaction when waking up, but it definitely wasn't his best, either.

Steve realizing that Bucky's pulling away and letting go somewhat abruptly probably does not help to lessen the impact of Bucky hitting his head.

"What the hell are you apologizing to me for? Are you all right?"

Awake, alert, steady as hell.

Minus concern because he heard (and saw) Bucky hit his head.

Edited (Icon. Again. Dammit.) 2026-01-04 01:18 (UTC)

"Didn't exactly mean to wake you up," he sighed, slouching back against that offending headboard.

"I'm fine. Didn't hit it hard or anything." It was just hard enough to wake him up, really. He'd had worse. A lot worse.

But, frowning, he gestured towards the door. "I can go back in there if you want."

Steve has been pretty much putting on a Captain America mask to prevent steady and fully awake. That gives away to even more overt confusion.

"...You could go back to the couch because... you woke me up?" A pause. "Am I reading that offer correctly?"

He needs to check before he says anything else.

"I'm probably going to wake you up a lot," he said with a shrug, not even opening his eyes. "At least all I did was try to shove at you. I've done worse before."

Maybe not to a bed partner, since he hadn't had any of those. But to doctors when he was in Wakanda, before he was deemed well enough to live on his own. To furniture. To walls. That sort of thing.

"At least it started good." Bucky had been genuinely relaxed as he fell asleep, and the first half of his dream was actually good for once. And then it changed into a nightmare.

There's some stuff to unpack there, and Steve legitimately isn't sure where to start with it. It actually takes him a second, and for a guy who gives speeches on the fly while being hunted, that's saying something.

In part what it's saying is that it's after midnight, he's in his bed, and he's trying to talk to the guy he's loved for a really long time, who is also in his bed.

"I'm probably not going to wake you up often. That isn't because I'm sleeping well or wouldn't actually appreciate being woken up." That's... He'd like to explain more, but doesn't know how. "I almost always would." And then: "You literally can't hurt me in any real way, or that will last more than thirty seconds - and odds are the more we do this, the less risk of even that there is."

Bucky opened his eyes to watch Steve as he talked, biting at the inside of his lip as he listened. And he thought over the pros and cons.

The pros seemed to outnumber the cons. And if Steve really didn't mind...

"Alright, yeah. I'll stay in here with you," he finally said with a nod. Bucky slid back down on the bed so his head was properly on the pillow again, all the while keeping his eyes on Steve. "It was... it was good before the nightmare part started, you know. Really good." There wasn't anyone else that Bucky would even feel safe enough around to sleep beside them, let alone think it was nice.

"Good, because I wasn't interested in an argument or sleeping on my living room floor." He's stubborn. He'd never claim otherwise, and he's got his heels dug in on this one.

In part because he still has guilt and a feeling of responsibility for Bucky, in part because he wants Bucky there, and in part because he has his own issues - which include a strange variety of survivor's guilt.

"So let's get back to the good parts. Including the pre-nightmare sleep, I assume?" He lays back down, rolled over onto his side again.

"Yeah, let's try to get back to sleep." It really had been good before the dream turned into a nightmare. Warm and comforting, in a way that Bucky was in no way used to.

And with Steve facing him like that, Bucky only hesitated for a moment before he decided to try something else. He took Steve's hand--the one that had been draped over him while he slept before--and rolled over so his back was to Steve, pulling the arm over his middle again as he rolled. Not only did having his back to Steve leave him in a somewhat more vulnerable position, but it also let the two of them fit together on Steve's bed better.

Steve let Bucky get himself settled in whatever position worked for Bucky, including the 'manhandling', then got his knees tucked behind Bucky's and his nose down in Bucky's hair. Once he was there? He sighed, settled, and relaxed.

"We're gonna be okay." Eventually, and/or for long enough to get enough sleep for super serum to get them back to functional, at least.

Bucky was still a bit tense, but with Steve tucked up against him and partly wrapped around him, Bucky could feel some of the tension easing away. Slowly, but still faster than usual after one of his nightmares.

"I hope so," he said, voice quiet as he stared towards the bedside table he was facing. He wasn't focusing on it or anything, his eyes just hadn't closed yet. Bucky hadn't exactly been okay in a long time, but at least he was working on it.

Either way, he and Steve had always managed to pull through things before, even if sometimes it took a little while. Bucky was sure they'd at least be okay as a... couple.

Steve isn't sure how this conversation is going to go. It could be easy, minor, and not really much more than a blip on the radar. It could be more than that. If Bucky hadn't wanted to converse about it in person, Steve would have respected that -- but he feels much better being able to see Bucky while it's going on.

He... may still be a little scared of Bucky cutting and running on him.

Just a little.

He's definitely still protective.

Either way, when Bucky shows up with food, he's ready to help with the door and getting it to the kitchen. "Someday, one of us is going to figure out how to cook something more complicated than scrambled eggs." Today is not that day.

Bucky set the bag down on the counter and moved to get a couple of plates out of the cabinet, having learned Steve's kitchen layout pretty well by that point. "Hey, I can make more than scrambled eggs. Had to keep myself fed while I lived in a hut, didn't I?" No, he couldn't make much more than scrambled eggs. But he could make grilled cheese. And a simple stew that consisted of throwing things in a pot over the fire and just letting them... stew.

He isn't sure why, exactly, Steve wants to talk about the day on the helicarrier. That day, in particular, is one that Bucky tries not to think about, and it's possible there are things about it that Bucky blocked out. But, if Steve wants to talk about it Bucky is willing to do the same.

After all, if they're going to try this being together as more than friends thing, they need to talk about things.

They're talking about it because it came up, and the alternative is to pointedly not talk about it.

That seems like a real bad idea.

"And I can make... oatmeal." Cook, he is not. Keep himself fed? Kind of. He had Avenger's Tower, and an apartment. They came with carry out. "Oh and sandwiches." He'd thrown those at Nat on particularly rough nights. When everyone they'd loved was just... gone, or had moved on.

He grabbed the soda while Bucky handled the plates.

"So, what you told me to do on the carrier was to shut up. I obviously didn't."

Bucky shakes his head and frowns at that, pulling some of the wrapped hot dogs from the bag. "Doesn't count. I didn't even know my own name then, how was I supposed to know better than to tell you to shut up?" All he knew then was that there was something different about that mission, and it was driving him crazy.

He sighs and turns to face Steve, leaning against the edge of the counter as he tries to put into words what he means. "Steve, I didn't know what it was to... feel anything? Not just remember things, but feel things. Besides pain. But then there you were. It's hard to explain."

He makes a low noise, that means something, but isn't quite apology or frustration. Fortunately he follows up with words. "You weren't. I just realized talk about me not listening to you was going there - because I definitely didn't shut up. Didn't want to let that mention happen anywhere I couldn't see you."

Because he... is still learning to trust Bucky in a specific way. Not physically or emotionally, but trust Bucky with... well Bucky. Turns out that part's pretty hard.

Bucky sighs as he watches Steve, then pulls his spare hair tie off his wrist and starts pulling his hair back into a bun. It's mostly just for something to do with his hands then.

"For the record, that's one time I'm glad you didn't listen." Bucky didn't want to think about what might have happened if Steve had shut up and didn't get through to him in the end, even if Bucky didn't know what the hell to make of it all afterwards.

Steve just takes over plating food up, not to distract them but because it needs doing. "Well, for what's it's worth - I have occasionally regretted not listening to you. That wasn't one of them."

He still doesn't actually know who pulled him out of that river -- or who got him to a hospital. He does know not being dead means something got through. More importantly, he'd seen Bucky's face.

That actually makes Bucky grin slightly. "Imagine how much easier things mighta been for you when we were young if you listened to me more often." Bucky, himself, had never been perfect. Far from it, really. But when they were young, he had a much more even temperament than his hot-headed best friend did.

Now, on the other hand, Bucky often feels like he's still trying to figure out what his personality is.

Then he adds, "You woulda at least had a couple less black eyes," before reaching past him to pinch a bite of sauerkraut off of one of the hot dogs and pops it into his mouth.

"At least a couple less," he says, with a brief bark of laughter. "And I still haven't learned anything, because I still can't walk away from a fight."

That just is what it is. Bucky? Bucky's got some stuff to figure out. So does Steve. Steve isn't honestly all that sure who he is without a fight in front of him, anymore.

But he's pretty clear on that one thing, at least.

There was at least one fight Steve had been willing to walk away from, but Bucky isn't going to mention that one. They'd already discussed it as it was.

But that burst of laughter makes Bucky's grin widen a bit anyway. He's always loved to hear Steve laugh or see him smile, because when they were young, his best friend was so often just a little ball of rage that Bucky savored when it happened. Especially when Bucky was the one who made it happen.

And apparently that continues to the present day. "Probably would have saved on some bags of frozen peas, too."

He'd already 'lost' that fight. So, he changed tactics and was willing to bet (or lose) his life betting on Bucky. Entirely different thing. Says Steve.

He snorts, but - "Yeah, we get to keep our food for eating now." But also: "We really have to do some grocery shopping at some point. This is getting a little ridiculous.

"Probably good since we eat more than we used to, too." Not just because times aren't the same sort of hard as they had been when they were younger, but they also just have to because of the physical changes they'd both been through.

"We can go tomorrow if you want," Bucky says and pulls one of the plates over to himself, then snags a hot dog and takes a bite before adding (mouth full), "It's not like I have any plans."

"Know I find this sentence as odd as you do: Why don't we put an order together online and just pick it up." Because that's a lot of people who are going to potentially recognize Steve, and if we can avoid it? He'd rather.

Also saves on decision fatigue in some ways. Plus saves time. So - "We can find something better to do with both our time tomorrow than spend a couple of hours in a grocery store." He's sure. A pause. "Like start a claim for backpay from the army for you."

"Sounds good to me. I wasn't looking forward to dealing with a crowd anyway," Bucky admits. He can deal with crowds, but it doesn't mean he likes them all that much anymore. Just like he can deal with heights, but he hates those, too, now.

Falling off a train will do that to a guy.

But the backpay part makes him sigh. "I don't know, Steve. They're probably not gonna want to pay a former HYDRA assassin."

Steve loves a lot of things associated with heights. Like free fall and flying. That doesn't mean he doesn't get why they're not Bucky's - Steve didn't end up taken by Hydra after the fall and every time he's done it has been after the serum.

Don't ask him to deal with intense cold or immobilization long. That one left marks, even on him.

His eyebrows go up. "How about a guy who was a POW for sixty years?" Because come on, Bucky.

"If they agree to see it that way." And Bucky wouldn't put it past them to not see it that way.

Still, that backpay would be nice. It isn't like there are still lots of HYDRA safehouses around for Bucky to clear out and keep the stashes of emergency cash.

"But, hey, if you think it'll work, we can try." Maybe it would work, especially since Bucky has Steve vouching for him.

"They're not gonna argue with me. They used my image for everything under the sun for sixty years, and built me up into their golden boy. Might as well use that privilege for something worthwhile."

Someone.

That'd be Bucky.

He's getting that backpay.

or Steve's going to develop an affinity for reports really damn fast.

"Worthwhile, huh?" Bucky's teasing, mostly. He might not see himself as worthwhile, not really. But he knows that Steve does for some reason.

Bucky bumps his shoulder against Steve's, wanting that little bit of extra contact with him.

Bucky/Had a great past

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I absolutely fell into a black hole - sorry!

it happens to everyone sometimes! 🥰

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